Step 1: Realizing Your Motivation

When I was a freshman in college, my every waking hour was filled with planning. 

Not planning my next meal.
Not planning my study sessions.
Not planning my days.

My every waking hour was filled with planning for the next big party.



Now... if you know me now (and the person I am and have become), it is at this point that I want you to ask yourself a question:

...is this who I am today?  Can you even imagine me doing those things now?

If, for some reason, your answer is yes, I'd like to politely ask you to reevaluate your outlook on life and quit living in the past.

If your answer is no, you are in the same boat with me.
Because that's not me anymore.
I would never dream of doing those things now.

I look back on my life for those two years, and I cannot believe that that was the person that I was.  Sometimes, I even refuse to believe it.  Now, don't get me wrong - I loved my life there.  I wouldn't change a thing about it because...

I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't made those mistakes.

...but am I embarrassed by the things I did?  Yes.
Would I change them?  No.

Now I have a story to tell, a way to connect with people and help them understand that life can be better.

My journey started with rebelling... and then I moved home after two years.

That didn't stop me, though.  I pushed forward and continued with my outward rebellions.

The one thing that began my motivation to change?  My baby sister.

I was being a horrible role model. 
...that right there stopped me in my tracks.

My little sister is my world.  She is one of the things in life that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I would give up my own life for... and this is how I was showing her to live?  What in the world was I thinking??

I wasn't.

So, that was step one for me:
realizing my motivation.

Things didn't begin to automatically change, but I realized that letting her down was what made me the most unhappy in the world.  Knowing that my baby sister was disappointed was too much... I could no longer rationalize my actions, so I began to change.

It was a long, long road from there... so don't think this change happens fast.
We're only on step one, remember?

Step by Step

Last night, as I was talking to my boyfriend, I realized that after over two months, I had still yet to share with him the fact that I blog.

(hmm...)

Anyway...

He asked me why I started my blog in the first place, so I thought for about half a second and this was my response:


@ 8:11 P.M.:
"Umm... being in Florida and being lonely, oh-so-lonely, and not knowing what to do to cure it.  I started babysitting one of my babies from the daycare and her big sister, and I realized how eerily similar Paula (the mom) and I were.  Her husband's in the Air Force, so he soon went overseas and I found myself at their house almost ever waking - and possibly - hour.  So... she and I became really close.  They were my home away from home.  She began telling me about her divorce and how she met Ben, her current husband, and she started telling me how her blog(s) had helped her to realize who she really was inside, helped her to deal with reality and become who she was today - this bubbly, hilarious, fantastic person.  So... I started me a blog."

@ 8:18 P.M.:
"And when I'm feeling at my lowest, I blog because it helps me sort out my issues and realize what's most important.  And when I'm happy?  Well, those blogs aren't very long because like right now?  I'm so happy that there aren't enough words in the English language to describe it.  It's how I cope.  It's how I... deal.  And it's how I rejoice in everything that the Lord gives me, good or bad."


We then talked about a book that he and his family read that helped to change not only his life but also their lives.  I'm thinking of adopting it and having my family read it.  There's nothing wrong with a little change, is there?

I don't think so...


My own response to that simple little question of his made me do a superb amount of thinking...
I have changed a lot.
And I have changed for the better.
So much better.

I love my life so so much right now, and although I'm still blogging, it's not always about sad or negative things anymore.  After all, why can't I take the time and find the words to express my happiness?  my contentment?  my sheer bliss?

Better yet, why can't I take the time to express it so that I can show other people ways to better their own lives?

I'm not going to put it all in this one blog, though.
I've decided that I'm going to do this step by step, blog by blog.
Each blog for the next few days, I will recap conscious decisions and choices that I made in my life that have led to the changes that are so much a part of who I am today.

The very best part about it, though, I will tell you now:

(...it's my secret to this success, though, so don't go sharing it with too many people:)

I haven't really changed.  I've just become a BETTER version of me, one who knows what she wants (and deserves) and refuses to settle for anything less than the best.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                       i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of the tree called life;which grows
higher than a soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings



I don't really think that there's much else I need to say,
for this poem encompasses many aspects of my life right now...

...yep... I'll just leave you with that.
(and I nod)
:)

Everyday.

Do you ever wonder how possible it really is that two people are thinking about each other at the exact same time??

I do.
Everyday.

...because everyday, I wake up thinking about him.
and everyday, he texts me seemingly within minutes of my waking up.

Coincidence?
Nah...
I prefer fate.
:)

Love isn't love 'til you give it away.

Tonight is my baby sister's Tool and Gadget party.
She is getting married in less than a month.
My baby sister.
Getting married.
It just doesn't seem like she should be old enough for that yet...

I know, I know...
we're not that different in age, only two years, but still...
she's my baby sister,
and she's getting married.

Luckily, she's getting married to a wonderful man.
I can rightfully say that I will have the best brother-in-law in the whole wide world in less than a month.

It's just surreal.

They don't know it yet, but I put a quote in their card that I wrote for them tonight:

"A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it.  A song's not a song 'til you sing it.  Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.  Love isn't love 'til you give it away." - Oscar Hammerstein


To me, that's a pretty powerful thing because, when you think about it...
can you really call something love until you are able to give it away to someone or something?

You can say all day long that you love someone, but until you truly show them that you love them, until you give your love to them...
...well...
...THAT is the day that love truly becomes love, when you have someone to share it with and give it to.

They have found that in each other.  They give their love to each other every single day, and it's wonderful to watch as a big sister.
To know that she is going to be truly happy with someone for the rest of her life.
It's wonderful.


As for me... I've found my happiness, and I'm working on the giving the love away part...
yes, yes I am.  ;)

Beyond happy.

Tonight, after finishing my school work and watching a movie, I suddenly realized that I haven't blogged in close to a month.

At first, I panicked...
why haven't I been blogging?  Is something wrong?

and then I thought to myself...
...wait a minute - there's is nothing wrong.
I'm perfectly happy right now.  Actually, beyond so.

and then I came to a new conclusion:
I haven't been writing because I've been too happy to write.

I have been preoccupied with happiness and contentment and learning the in's and out's of feeling loved again to worry about blogging lately... and I'm quite happy about that.  :)


I got back yesterday from a wonderful beach trip with my family, great friends, and the most amazing man.
Today, I took that amazing man to the airport to return to his home in Colorado.

Yep... he lives in Colorado.
and I live here in Alabama.
and somehow?
Somehow God has still blessed us with each other.
His wonders never cease to amaze me sometimes.

...did I mention how happy I am right now??
Because I don't remember ever being this happy in my life.
Ever.

and for now?
That's what everyone gets to know.

I'm beyond happy.

Does anything else really matter?? 
I don't think so.  :)

Forever and a day, if it's possible.

I haven't slept well the past few nights, and I've decided that I'm attributing it to the fact that I haven't blogged yet about my past week.

(and I nod)

Last Wednesday, June 1, 2011
became a day that I will forever remember.

I stood at bedside with my mother,
                                    my aunt KK,
                                    my cousin Seth,
                                    my dad,
                                    my sister Joie,
                                    my aunt Stacy,
                                    my cousin Jamison,
                                    my uncle Robbie,
                                    my uncle Joey,
                                    and my grandmother ("Saint Betty")
as my grandfather, my Peppy, took his very last breath(s) in this world.
(and scared the living doodoo out of my cousin Seth while doing so, which, despite the sadness, was actually quite humorous - Peppy made sure he got one more good laugh out of us before going home to God, that's for sure)

I've written a lot about the horrible disease that took him away from us, but I have suddenly realized that I haven't written a lot about him as a person.  So, I figured I would give you a little insight into the real world of Peppy:


My aunt KK said it best in what she wrote for the funeral Celebration of Life that we had this past Sunday:
he was a KEEPER.

My Peppy was the most stubborn, grouchy, mean old man you could ever imagine...
...but he was also the most kind, loving, affectionate, and gentle man you could ever imagine.

We always knew when we had pushed the button just a little too far, and mostly we knew not to ever get near that button because as long as Peppy remained happy, everyone else remained happy.

He quit smoking on my cousin Kayla's first birthday... because he wanted to live a long life, to get to know his grandchildren... because he loved us... but the saddest part was that, even with that, he was still sick for the better part (if not all) of our lives.

When I was in kindergarten, he was squished between a train car and a cement pole at Pullman where he worked.  I remember him being in the hospital, and I remember him telling me about having his nurse wheel him across the crosswalk everyday - no matter how badly he was hurting that day - so that he could wave at the people driving by... (clearly, they probably didn't see him, but I guarantee you that at least one person did in the time that he was there, and that one person?  They probably smiled and had a better day because of my Peppy)

...because that's the kind of person that he was.

He was always looking for a smile, as with many of his sayings:

      "If at first you don't succeed... cheat."

                               "What you up to, Pep?... about 6 feet."

                  "In the days of old, when the women weren't so bold..."
                  (sorry, I can't finish that one - I fear I'd get in trouble, but it's quite funny)

...and he LOVED softball.  He loved to tell stories of him playing back in the day, and he would tell them over and over and over... and every. single. time... it put a huge smile on his face.  It made him happy.

My Peppy was an amazing, amazing man,
grouchy and all.

We used to joke about him being just like Grumpy from 'Snow White' (big nose and all)...
...and just like Grumpy did with Snow White, he always wound up showing you how he loved you, even if it was simply with a hug.


The last time I got to talk to my Peppy was the Monday before he died.
I went over there to hang out with my Booper and cook some mac-n-cheese... and wound up helping her get him into bed.  That was the last time that he was out of bed before he died.

(sigh)

For some reason, as we hoisted him into bed and got him all tucked in, something told me that I needed to do something... so I followed my gut:

I got his attention,
got him to look me directly in the eye,
and said to him:
"Pep, I love you more than you will ever know."

All he said back was
"Thank you"
but in my heart... I knew that that "thank you" meant "I love you" and that it meant that he didn't quite remember what his response was really supposed to be... so "thank you" sufficed, and you know why?
...because he eyes said, "I love you, PeeWee, forever."

So, I sighed, kissed him on the head, tucked him in, and continued on my mac-n-cheese journey...

...but I can say, without a doubt, that my Peppy knew that I loved him - and that he loved me.

And there's no better feeling in the world.

He's in a better place now, and he's watching over all of us...
...and if there's one more thing I could ever say to him, it would be this:

Thank you, too, Pep.

Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for showing me how to love and be loved.
and thank you, more than anything, for showing me the meaning of family.

I will miss you forever.
Forever and a day, if it's possible.

Rest in peace, old man.  :)
I love you.