Not just a little...

Today
was a day.

A long day.

But it was my day.


As I drove home tonight from work,
down that long stretch of interstate,

I listened to this:

  "I Miss You" by Incubus

(another Paula special)

For some reason,

it got me thinking...

When I love,

     I do it big.

I don't love a little,

or just partially.

I love BIG.

And tonight, I realized:

Not only does someone out there deserve to be loved big,

but so do I.

I want to love someone as big as I possibly can...

A quote comes to mind:

"I'm looking for love.  Real love.  Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

- Carrie Bradshaw, 'Sex and the City'

 ...but I don't want to just give big love.

I want to receive it

because, gosh darn it,

I deserve it.

Somewhere out there is a man who will love me for me,

no matter what,

through thick and thin.

              Someone who will think I hung the moon.

        Someone who will get lost in my eyes the way I do in theirs.

                   Someone who will miss me (five minutes after they've left me).

A ridiculous love.

A BIG love.

and, well...

that's how it should be. 

over and over (in my head)

I have had two lines
of one song
stuck
in my head.

All.

Night.

Long.


"You got a gypsy soul to blame,
and you were born for leaving,
born for leaving."

...and...

"Well, it's a windy road
when you're in the lost and found."

[thanks, Zac Brown Band for making it apparently so catchy]



I just haven't been able to pin point exactly why it's those two particular lines that got stuck in my head...

...maybe there's no rhyme or reason...

...maybe I relate...

...but I don't think I have a gypsy soul to blame for anything.

Not running from things is part of the saying "yes" instead of "no" thing.



...hmm...


I'm going to simmer on these thoughts for a little bit,
and then I'll get back to you...

Until then,
I will continue
to hum
the same two lines
over
    and
       over
          and
            over.

(and I think you get the point)

;)

yes - instead of no.

I found myself browsing through emails today and stumbled upon this:

...for those of you who don't remember, this is kind of along the same lines as what my New Year's resolution was - to stop saying "no" to being happy and start saying "yes."

I think that's why I took a picture of this portion of this magazine article.


I couldn't tell you what the article was about because it was months ago,
but somehow I don't think that that is what is so important about this particular portion of my frantic, scatter-brained, and somehow methodical thought process(es).

Why? you may ask...

(well, I'll tell you)
(just give me a cotton-pickin' second)
;)



There's things going on in my life right now that I know in my heart I need to start
"Saying yes when I'm feeling no"
about.

It's all ultimately about making ourselves happy, right?

Well, I think I know some things that will make me happy.
Not only right now but also in the long run.

And I think
       just maybe
that I'm going to start
                   saying yes
             (instead of no).


[Don't worry - I'll keep you updated on how it all turns out because, like you, I'm pretty dog-on curious how this, and other things, will work out.]

:)

Mess with it... I dare you. ;)

This semester is killing me.

Well...

Chemistry.

Chemistry is killing me.

Right now, my main "drive" is coming from something beautiful.

This right here:

Know why??

Cause this is exactly where I intend to be as soon as this is over.
Literally, as soon as it's over.

I intend on finding some way to literally take my last final for the semester,
walk back to my car in the 13th Avenue deck,
pop in disk 1 of my most favorite-est CD's (from Paula),
and
drive
until
I reach
the beach.

That's my plan.
I dare anyone to mess with it.  ;)


(that's right... I do.)
(and I nod)

Cupcakes and a smile :)

Anyone who knows me well
also knows
that
I
love
cupcakes.

It began as a kind of "joke" between me and some of my girlfriends while I was in school at the University of Montevallo, and it is just one those things that has kind of stuck with me.

Well, this past Saturday, after hours upon hours of wedding gown shopping with my baby sister for her to find the most-absolutely-perfect-est dress for her to marry her most-absolutely-perfect-est fiance...


...we went to Edgar's Bakery in Hoover for some lunch.

Where I found these:

"Be sure to celebrate
the many small things...
bright days, good friends,
and anything
with sprinkles."




...silly, but oh-so-true.

I have no need for these napkins, so of course I didn't buy them
(plus, I'm sure the price for a pack of napkins at Edgar's is probably no where shy of $6+ and that is definitely not happening).

It just kind of got me thinking...


We really should celebrate the small things
because life really is worth it.
It's made up of the small things
(especially a day like today when it's gorgeous outside)
and we should take them for more than what they may be deemed worth from time to time.

Life really is like a cupcake, if you ask me.
Always topped with sprinkles.
Always something new and exciting,
something fun and colorful,
something there just for the sole purpose of putting a smile on our faces.  :)



That's exactly why my mom bought me this before we left:

(strawberry with strawberry icing from Edgar's... my favorite)

Something to brighten my day :)

I even said, while eating it on the way home,
"You guys have no idea how happy this is making me right now."
(with a huge grin on my face)



So, like the napkin said...

...always celebrate anything with sprinkles
(or sometimes without)

cause it's always going to make you happy.  :)

Spring Break - lessons learned.

I need to write.

I've been having that thought since Monday night, but I have continued to put it off for some reason.

Tonight, though, as I read Water for Elephants,
      (one of the best books I've read in a long, long time)
I realized for some strange reason that it was time.
Time to stop putting it off, and just do it.


I've had a wonderful Spring Break, even though I didn't leave the state.

I spent Monday night with one of my best friends, Haley.
We cooked dinner,
drank wine,
and destroyed dishes (on accident)...
...wanna see?

(They should clearly label dishes that aren't oven-safe is all I'm saying...)



Tuesday night, I went to see "Rango" with some truly amazing new friends,
who I thoroughly enjoy spending time with.
It was very cute, but totally not child-friendly.
Who ever decided that it should be was... well...
high (or something to that effect).


Wednesday night, I went and met my very best friend, Hannah.
(and her beautiful sister, Natalie, and even more beautiful niece, Charlotte)
We had sushi - which is, without a doubt, one of my favorite things in the world -
and went to see "Red Riding Hood"
which was also a pretty good movie.
     (Hannah's new fav, not mine, but still good in my opinion)


After that, I've just been working, but...
...I learned some things this week, and I thought I'd share.

I learned:

that glass breaks at 350 degrees

              that ovens will catch fire on self-clean

      that best friends can, in fact, play slip-n-slide in their own kitchens
         [especially when it's raining out]

that making new friends (again) is AWESOME
    [even if the movies you see always make you laugh in ways they possibly shouldn't] ;)

                        that sushi and conversations with very best friends ALWAYS
                        makes your heart smile :)

                                           that candy from the Dollar Tree tastes just as good in
                                           the movie theater as the candy they sell there
               
                               that glass breaks at 350 degrees

that life without up's and down's, without mistakes, 
without broken glass, 
without homemade slip-n-slides (unintentional or not),
without sneaking candy into the movie theater,
without sushi and heart-to-hearts,
without new friends...

...is no life at all.


I like the mess-ups.
I think I'll keep 'em.

And as for this seemingly uneventful Spring Break??
(to most people, anyway)

I think I'll keep it, too, because
at the end of the day
I've learned more this week than I have in a long, long time.

And that, in and of itself, makes me happy.

I know one thing for certain,
and I'll never forget:

Glass breaks at 350 degrees.

but life sure is intriguing.  :)

Angelita Noel Hill.

Two days ago, the unthinkable happened.

Our puppy (well, dog) that we have had for 11 years died.
Suddenly.
Without warning.

There's only one other time in my life that I have felt the pain that I feel right now
(and that was when the 3 Ezell's died).



She was fine on Wednesday and fine on Thursday all day.
Then Thursday night, she began breathing a little funny.
She was still doing it Friday afternoon, so we really began to worry.
Then she vomitted.

So, I made the executive decision to take her to the vet.
We climbed in ol' Bessie (my car) and off we went.
Before we ever got out of the parking lot, she puked again.
All over my left leg and seat.
         (but I didn't mind - my baby girl wasn't feeling well)

We were told to come back at 2 o'clock as there were no doctor's in house until then.
So, the clock ticked...
...and ticked...
...and finally it was time to go.

We got there and an hour later,
here comes the vet to bring me back...

...wait...

...where's my dog?

"Well, we took the x-rays, and we've got a heart that's enlarged."

(gulp)

"...and our EKG is showing a third degree blockage."

(double gulp)

After crying, I called my dad (still crying) and told him to come up there.
He arrived ten minutes later, where we got the explanation of what was going on - yet again.
Needless to say, the prognosis was not good, but if we could get her through the night, we might be in the clear - at least for a little while.

We convinced him to let us take her home, so he went to draw blood.
Five minutes later, he comes in to bring us...

...wait...

...again you come back without my baby girl?  What is going on??

"Well, she's not going home with y'all.  She passed out while we were taking blood, and we've got her on oxygen."

-CRAP-


We got to go back and see her after that, but she was completely out of it.

[I like to think that she knew we were there, even though the doctor says she probably didn't.  Our baby girl always knew when we were with her.]


My heart broke completely in two as, hours later, we kissed her goodbye and her breathing changed.
Somehow, I knew it was the end.

He gave her Atripene... nothing helped.

Our baby was going home to see her big sister (our Mallory), whether we liked it or not.


So, we sat with her.
as she slowly took her last breaths in this world.
and then we loved on her until we absolutely knew she was gone.




I never thought it would hurt THIS much.
I knew it would hurt, don't get me wrong...
...but like this??


I still hear her bark from time to time.
I still hear her collar clink together as she runs down the hall,
or flaps her cute little ears.
I can still hear her whine as she begs for her daddy to pick her up so she can share his chair with him.
I still feel her cold nose on me early in the morning because it's time to get up (or maybe because she needs to go out).
I still smell that familiar smell, that "Annie smell" that I loved so much.


She was the best dog anyone could ever have asked for.
She was my dad's best friend, without a doubt
     [and she loved that man with her whole heart].
Some people think it's a little silly, but we just call it LOVE.

Here's a picture I took this past week of her that's still on my phone:
- She always found a comfy place to lay. -

I will never forget my precious baby.
Ever.
She was the best Christmas present I ever got.  :)
and I will love her to the moon and back.
Forever.

Rest in Peace, Angelita Noel Hill. 
Our sweet angel.

A really good thing.

In 4 days, I will be going back to re-visit the place that I lived for 5 months at the end of last year.
The place that changed my life.  Forever.
The place that gave me new meaning to my own life.
The people that touched me in ways that they never knew.

In 4 days, I will be smiling - for 5 hours straight - as I drive from Hueytown, Alabama, to the Pensacola, Florida area.

I will be taking my 2 mixed CD's and my 1 surprise bonus CD (Frou Frou) from Mrs. Paula Sides, and I will be driving... and driving.

And I can't wait.  :)


So, at some point in the next couple of days, I will be packing.
Again.
To go to the place that has changed my life more than any other.


This time, though?  This time I will be going in as a different (and better) person.
That alone excites me to no end.
      [I don't even think I know the girl that moved to Gulf Breeze last August anymore.]
           [but that's a good thing - a really good thing]

When I first started my blog, I wrote about things that had changed in my life.

 

 

It's strange to look back on those things, those changes, because that's not me anymore.  I wouldn't be afraid of change now.  I wouldn't be worried about making friends...

 

it's like in 'Sex & the City' when Carrie is getting ready to move to Paris - she says "Today I had a thought.  What if I... what if I had never met you?"

 

 

 

There's not a more touching statement to me... because... if I hadn't met the people I have over the years, I wouldn't be where I am.  If I hadn't made the friends I did when I moved, I wouldn't have learned the things about life, love, and happiness.

 

I wouldn't have learned that a baby's smile can light up my day...

...or that optimism is a result of your outlook on life...

      (if you want to be happy, you'll be willing to do whatever it takes to stay that way)

...or that a 7-year-old has the capability to touch not only your heart but also your mind...

...or that getting up early and going to work only makes your day bad that much better...

...or that staying up late watching movies like "500 Days of Summer" with a good friend can give you more clarity than perhaps was intended...

...or that even though you live at the beach, that doesn't mean you will actually go to the beach...

...or that life?

 

Well, it really is what you make of it.  :)

She's still exactly the same.

I just watched
a super cute video
of a super cute little girl...

(my Ruthie)


[I wish I could post the video for you so you'd known just how precious she is]


The Ruthie in the video is a couple of years younger than the Ruthie I fell in love with while living in Gulf Breeze, Florida, but... guess what?

She's still exactly the same.  :)

and guess what else?


I miss her.
and I knew that.
I just realized it even more after watching that video.

She won't be there Spring Break when I go visit,
and that makes me sad,
but I will get to see her mom
who is a 20-something year older version of her.
So that will be beyond nice.  :)


...but I still miss my Ruthie.

Tomorrow?
Tomorrow she's going to class with me.

(not literally - go back and check out my blog from Christmas)
(it's called "(gulp)...for me??")


I think that 'Ruthie' will do just fine 'til I finally get to spend time with the real thing again.
Yes, yes it will.
(and I nod)


I think...
...when I do see her...
...we'll fist pump some balloons...
...until we just can't do it anymore.
Just like before...
...see??

Moments like those never get old.  ;)

Joy comes with the morning.

Today was one of the very best days I've had in a long time.

I got up this morning, got showered and dressed, and headed out the door...
...to go to the doctor (which was the only semi-bad part of the day).

After that, I went to school.
(still not quite-so-spectacular, right?)

Well... after class...
I met up with a friend from high school,
and we proceeded to walk...

...about 5 blocks (give or take a little)...
         [yes, I walked that far - and it was my idea to continue that trek]

...all the way to Mellow Mushroom
- in 5 Points -
to eat lunch together.

We had some wonderful conversation(s),
and he treated me to a super-yummy meal.

Then, it was off to work.



I know what you're thinking...
"What in the world would make you say that you had one of the best days you've had in a long time when, in reality, you didn't do much (at all)?"


...and my answer?

My mind is free.
My.
Mind.
is.
Free.
(and yes, I will say it one more time - for good measure)
My mind is free.

Sometimes getting something off your chest does more for you than you thought it would do,
and writing yesterday did just that for me.

It gave me a sense of peace.
It gave me just that little extra bit of "life" back that I thought I already had (but clearly hadn't).
It gave me just one more reason... to smile.



My advice to you?
Do what I've done - free yourself from that one (or many) thing that is holding you back from living the full and happy life that you know you deserve.

Sometimes the gratification is instant...
and sometimes?
Sometimes that joy comes with the morning. 
(much like mine did)

:)

The Let Down (and the end to it's reign)

Everyone has someone, at least once in their life, that lets them down.

Me?  It's happened far more than just once.

It almost seems sometimes that instead of things getting good and staying good that they tend to get good, then maybe really good, and then...

...well...

they're over.
Just like that.

But this situation?
This one's different.

This one, I fear, will never go away.

No matter how much I do to keep it out of my life.
No matter how many times I ask it to stay out of my life.
No matter how often I express my feelings of resentment...
                                                                    ...of detest...
                                                                    ...of disappointment...
                                                                    ...of pure exhaustion.

It seems it will always find me again.


You see...
about 10 months ago, I got really really hurt, and really really let down.
More than I would ever have imagined.

I was lied to,
cheated,
stolen from...



...so I did what any true-blooded American would do...
...and I moved to the great state of Florida
where I stayed for 5 months.  ;)

It was a refreshing new start, one that changed my views about multiple things in life.
One that gave me new life, and showed me that I can be me (and still just as fabulous)
without the let downs.

I can start over.
I can smile.
I can be happy.
I can finish anything that I start.
I can love (again... and again) until it hurts.
I can love... regardless of hurt.
I can make my own happiness.



and you know what?

I've been doing... just that.
(nod)


I've been being happy and living my life, without so much as a negative day since I realized all of these things...
...except for that let down that just
refuses.
to.
go.
away.

So... this is my final step.
I'm learning to let go of the "let down" and just let be.

...and step one is this:
I am going to publicly ask this "let down" to remove itself from my life once and for all.
(that was me asking)

...and from now on?


The let down will no longer be a let down because... well...
I refuse to let you disrupt my happiness.   :)

Dare I say... lost?... (gulp)

Something is happening...

...but I'm not sure what it is.




I haven't been writing.
(gasp)

It's not that there's not a ton of things going on in my life.
('cause there is plenty)
I honestly don't know what it is.

It can't be that I'm "afraid to express myself"...
(anyone who knows me even remotely knows that that would be an impossible feat)





I seem to have lost my creative writing juices.

If anyone finds them, return them to me ASAP. (please)
I'm beginning to feel a teensy bit...


...lost.
(and I don't like that - not even a little bit.)